Mar 12, 2018
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Well, my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.
As I conducted the research for this episode, I got to thinking, you know, the decision to adopt is like just about any other decision that you make with forethought, common sense, and planning.
I mean what to have for lunch does not take much planning at least for the most part unless you are planning a special lunch.
Planning what route to take to get to a special event may take some research and then some planning, but it should be figured out quickly.
Then decisions can become gradually more difficult. Where to live, should you buy or rent, date this person, marry that person. Those take much more research and planning. At least they should.
But bringing a child into your life via adoption, how much thought should you put into that?
Did you think about the child during the process, the child’s personality, the child’s racial or ethnic background; or were you thinking about getting the funding together to complete the adoption?
Did you think about whether you would tell the child he or she was adopted if he or she was the same race as you?
What if you ended up having a biological baby, would you still love the adopted child the same way?
How would your family treat the adopted child?
Did you think about behavioral issues as the child matured?
Would you feel guilt over regretting that you adopted the child?
When you think about it, it’s much like getting engaged and planning a wedding right? Yeah, I know, I’ve never been married, but indulge me. Allow me to exercise common sense and the marriages I witness daily.
If you are married, did you do any soul-searching, marriage counseling, therapy-seeking, talking to couples who have been married for a million years before you said, ‘I do’? Or did you jump in feet first because it was time?
And in either case, soul-searching or jumping in feet first, did the marriage still have rocky roads, speed bumps, and brick walls, or was it smooth sailing?
Hint: whether you did the pre-marital things or not, there will still be rocky roads, speed bumps, and brick walls. But hopefully, you married someone who is all in, like you. Are you all in for the adoption?
OK, I will let you think about those questions. back to adopting a child. (pause) Well, wait. (pause) Did you consider the child? (pause)
Or did you just consider your feelings, the ones that emanate from within as well as the ones society put upon you? You know, like I mentioned earlier, it is just time and since you can’t have one of your own, you will just adopt.
I know, by now some of you are probably mad at me, calling me a hater because I did not have a child. You know, that one child, that little boy I always talk about. Yes, I thought I would have a little boy. I even had a name picked out for him.
But I will tell you that I also attempted to adopt on two different occasions. So, you may think me a hater. But I will tell you I never considered any of the above questions I mentioned above. I just felt it was time, husband or not, it was time to have a child—of my own or by adoption. Society and my thoughts were weighing on me continually.
There was a battlefield going on in my mind constantly! ‘You know you’re the only one who doesn’t have a child don’t you?’ ‘People are watching you, and the wonder what is wrong with you’. One of my worst thought battles was ‘people feel sorry for you, they are pitying you’. But there were good thoughts too, I really wanted to nurture and train up a child. I wanted to pour into a child so badly. I wanted to read bedtime stories, teach my child how to read especially since I started reading at an early age. I wanted to teach my child how to live in and be able to interact with anyone anywhere. I wanted to teach my child class because we all know you can’t buy class. I wanted to teach him or her that love of family was important, and love of God was foremost.
But none of that happened, because I never had the child, and I never got to adopt.
I only thought about my need to nurture a child. I only thought about how society must have viewed me, and probably still does. Husbandless, childless, weird, non-conformist, anti-establishment. You know the establishment. Get married, have children and ‘settle down’ like normal people.
And when I attempted to explain that I just never met the right man, I would be told to just settle. Just take what I can get and get into alignment with society’s norms. Then I realized I do not owe anyone an explanation.
I am not asking you not to adopt. There are a lot of beautiful children around the world who need love, nurturing, and guidance. I am simply asking you to think about the reasons for your decision to adopt. Consider all aspects of the adoption.
Consider the child.
And then consider this:
What would adopting a child do for you?
What would you do if you were not allowed to adopt—i.e., turned down by an agency, not enough money, not enough income, etc.?
What are your alternatives if you were turned down?
There is a saying here in the US, ‘check your heart’. What is your heart saying about adopting? Really.
Notes and corrections:
The exam was 250 questions with eight hours to finish, not 125 questions.
The verse I was trying to remember: “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”—Luke 6:45
Content mentioned in the episode:
Links/sites used for research:
Articles of interest:
My contact information:
Website: www.childlessnotbychoice.net and www.civillamorgan.com
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM (https://www.pinterest.com/Civilla1/)
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM
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