Preview Mode Links will not work in preview mode

Childless not by Choice

Hello there, my name is Civilla Morgan. Are you childless not by choice? Do you know someone who is?

After years of hoping, and waiting, even attempting on two occasions to adopt; I realized I would never have children. It was a difficult time for me, but I decided that I could not be the only woman on this planet trying to figure out how to deal with my situation.

You see, I was not willing to pretend I was OK when I really was not. I wanted children and I was not going to be having any.  I heard all types of comments down through the years from acquaintances and strangers alike. Some meant well, some wanted me to be sure I recognized they had something I would never have.

But through it all, as much as my heart hurt, I also knew there were women worldwide who were going through the same or similar circumstances and feelings. And on top of that, some women are being physically and mentally mistreated.

So I created Childless not by Choice aka 21st Century Hannah. A platform where I speak to and encourage women who are childless not by choice. Check out my episodes, and please tell your friends and family; especially those who are childless not by choice. For details on all things childless not by choice, visit me at www.childlessnotbychoice.net. 

Thank you!

  1. All Episodes
  2. Episode 94--Triggers: how to recognize them, face, them, and deal with them!

Aug 27, 2018

Hello everyone! Welcome back to Childless not by Choice, where my mission is to recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless not by choice women, and men, around the world.  Civilla Morgan here. I am spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life, although we could not, did not, have the children we so wanted.

Welcome to episode 94!

•Patreon Contributors: (Patreon contributors are those who have taken an interest in my platform whether they fit the childless not by choice demographic or not. They have decided to contribute a certain dollar amount on a regular basis to help fund my dream of creating awareness and conversation for the childless not by choice community globally. Click the Patreon link for details and to become a Patron!)

https://www.patreon.com/Childlessnotbychoice

  • Jordan Morgan
  • Ivy Calhoun
  • Your Name Here

 

Discuss www.civillamorgan.com

  • I am available for speaking engagements.
  • I am available for one on one conversations on whether or not podcasting is good for your brand.
  • I have an affiliate link if you are interested in Podcast Movement events!

 

Episode content:

As I did the research for this episode, I realized there are quite a few types of triggers! Of course, because our podcast concentrates on childlessness not by choice, I am always concentrating on the triggers that affect us. The negative things people say and do to highlight our childlessness, whether unknowingly or on purpose.

 

But research showed that there are of course sexual assault triggers, there are PTSD triggers, there are emotional triggers, and the list goes on. But then there are also what I call individual triggers. For instance if as a child, you were abandoned by your parents whether literally or figuratively; as an adult, you can have abandonment triggers where if you are stood up for a date or someone does not return your phone calls or no longer wants to be your friend, you may not handle the separation or feelings of separation very well.  

 

Another ‘individual’ trigger might be having to endure the silent treatment as a child. If a parent were mad at you they would stop talking to you for a certain amount of time. As an adult, this silent treatment by a spouse or co-worker can create a triggering event.

What I noticed with many of these examples were that they were created in childhood.

This is where I believe our triggers as childless not by choice women may be different.  Our triggers happen once we are adults and hoping to be able to start a family, only to find out that we will never have the family we desired. We find out typically after a doctor’s appointment where we hear the bad news that we have been diagnosed with--insert diagnosis here--.

 

We then start to navigate a new journey, one we did not expect to have to. We slowly come to the realization that having children was never a guarantee. It took me a long time to come to that realization!

 

Yes, I know there are some women who knew when they were children that they would not be having any of their own. Typically because of something that happened to them as children or something they witnessed. Again, there is that common denominator: a childhood event.

 

But I still believe childless not by choice triggers are an adult event. So what are examples of childless not by choice triggers?

These are based on personal experience as well as the experiences childless not by choice women have advised in our group, that they have experienced:

  • Family members call out your childlessness in public by asking when you will be having children, advising you they are waiting for the next baby.
  • Family and friends who allowed you to have a relationship with their children, and then out of the clear blue stopped the relationship from continuing.
  • Family and friends who make passive aggressive comments about your childlessness.
  • Strangers who ask if you have children and then prolong your response with their heartless or thoughtless commentary.

 

These are just a few examples.  But the fact is, when any of these things happen, depending on where a childless not by choice woman or man may be in their journey, this type of commentary can send someone into a tailspin lasting a day or more.  

Those of us who have decided to deal with our triggers may not be sent into such a tailspin. We recognize the commentary as a pinprick to the heart versus a horse kick to the heart, as Jody Day so eloquently put it in episode 90: http://childlessnotbychoice.net/episode-90-my-interview-with-jody-day-founder-of-gateway-women/

 

So how does one get from a days-long tailspin to a temporary pin prick when dealing with triggers? I have said it in previous episodes, but here it is in a nutshell, based on a Google search:

       

‘First step is to beware of your triggers. Next, recognize when the wave is beginning. Take some simple steps like stopping what you are doing breathe deeply for 5–10 breaths to regain some emotional control. You can teach yourself to limit your emotions.’--Google.



Three questions to consider as you begin to face your triggers:

What are your triggers?

How do you feel when they take place?

How long do these feelings last?

   

This is an important step. In fact, think about these three question above before a triggering event, when you are in a calm place.  When you do this, you have faced the monster!

 

Next step: Remember, there is no way to avoid the triggers. In fact, it is not healthy. If you feel you cannot face the trigger or triggers alone, please see a therapist. Once you make the decision to face these triggers, you will feel a weight lift off of your shoulders. You are basically admitting to yourself that you have triggers surrounding your childlessness, and what those triggers are.  

 

When you admit these things to yourself, they are actually a strengthener to your psyche and even to your character. Remember, you cannot control how someone else treats you, but you can control your reaction to that treatment. When someone says or does something that could trigger you, and you have taken steps toward facing, recognizing, and dealing with said triggers; there is no way those triggers can affect you the same way as if you had not begun to deal with your triggers.

 

Can you see how important it is to face and deal with your triggers? It is very important. It will take time for you to get from days long tailspins to minutes long pinpricks, but it can happen. It all starts with you.  Isn’t that usually the case?

    

Be sure to check out the links I listed below.  They were used as research for this episode. I especially liked the article on the Psych Central website, ‘What is a Trigger? By U. of Alberta, Sexual Assault Centre’.

 

Articles and sites used for the research of this episode:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-a-trigger/

https://www.wikihow.com/Handle-Unavoidable-Anxiety-Triggers

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-18348/what-are-emotional-triggers-why-you-need-to-understand-them.html



My contact information:

Website: www.childlessnotbychoice.net and www.civillamorgan.com

Facebook: booksbycivillamorgan
Twitter: @civilla1
Instagram: @joyandrelevance
Pinterest: Civilla M. Morgan, MSM
LinkedIn: Civilla Morgan, MSM


Please help me out by taking this very short survey!
https://survey.libsyn.com/21stcenturyhannah

Thank you for listening to this episode of Childless not by Choice. I appreciate it!

Until next time! Bye!

 

‘To recognize and speak to the broken hearts of childless, not by choice women, and men, around the world.’

 ‘Spreading the great news that we can live a joyful, relevant, and fulfilled life’.